TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely outside of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have A different spot where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide Anyone a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable electric power," Trump Tower Damascus said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head visible from House, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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